sara28
41 posts
Jun 07, 2010
6:14 AM
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It has been a while since I've been on this sightt, but I'm so glad to see all of the support being offered to women going through tough times...it helped me survive my mc back in Nov. As for now, I am pregnant again!!..and too scared to be happy. I am 17 weeks and 2 days and go in tomorrow for a check-up and to hear the baby's heart beat.
I am terrified that it won't be there. I'm sitting at work, not concentrating, crying, and just being silly. My lost baby had a trisomy 13 and was lost at 15 weeks. I've lost my prego symptoms (as many do in the 2nd trimester) and that is freaking me out that my baby is gone. I really don't know how I will survive another loss and can't stop thinking about it.
If all goes well tomorrow, we go on Thursday to a genetic counselor to do an extenxive ultrasound to see if there are any indications that this baby might have a chromosone problem as well. ..they'll measure fluid at the back of the baby's head as well as its organs..
If you would, I ask for prayer that I will be able to relax and stop thinking about the worst. I know it is all in God's hands, but I can't stop thinking "what if God's plan isn't min?" I need prayer for peace...and a healthy baby.
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LeeLee
74 posts
Jun 07, 2010
9:55 AM
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I'm praying for you. I hope it all goes well
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manda
29 posts
Jun 07, 2010
5:37 PM
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I'm sending you good thoughts. I had this extensive ultrasound already. It's amazing what they can see. I think you'll feel so much better when you can watch your baby healthy and strong wiggling around ont he screen! Do you feel any movement yet? If not, you probably will soon. That will probably help with the nerves too. I'm also 17 wks two days. I guess we have the same due date!
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wanda34
90 posts
Jun 08, 2010
12:26 AM
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sara i am sending lots of prayers to you i know its so hard to think positive i also lost a baby last year i now 21 wks but at 12wks i lost all my symptoms and thought the worst i went for my scan to also check everything with the fluid and everything was ok i due back for another scan in 2 wks to check the heart liver and kidneys i am scared but trying to stay positive i am sending you all my prayers and support keep stronge x
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fergus55
3 posts
Jun 08, 2010
2:31 AM
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hope all goes well fingers crossed for you and your family xo
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sara28
42 posts
Jun 08, 2010
5:52 AM
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Thank you all soooo much!!! (deep breath)... I go in later today and don't know how I'll concentrate until then. Hopefully I'll report good news tomorrow. Thanks for reminding me that I'm not alone.
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Shandrea
222 posts
Jun 08, 2010
4:26 PM
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Sending you hugs. Praying all things go well. Can't wait to hear good news tomorrow. Sending you hugs.
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sara28
43 posts
Jun 09, 2010
10:41 AM
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Thank you all so much for the prayers and hugs! It was good news!
Manda and Fergus55 - thanks for relating. What a scary road we are on..but glad I'm not alone... Prayers and happy wishes to both of you.
Good news yesterday...a heart beat between 154 and 156. I cried and cried when I heard it. I am so upset with myself for letting myself get so worked up over all that could go wrong!
I know why I worry...I guess I feel like if I don't let myself get too comfortable and go in expecting the very worst, if the worst happens, I won't have as far to fall...unlike last time (at 15wks)when I had the rug ripped out from under my feet when I went in and all seemed perfect and it wasn't. I need to stop this...but don't know how. My doctor has suggested a therapist...I haven't decided yet if I will make the appointment... She is very understanding (my doc) but is worried about how worked up I get everytime I go back into the office for a check-up. Would a therapist help???
Maybe I will see a therapist...but I'm thinking I might feel better tomorrow if the Extensive Ultrasound shows that everything looks "normal". I'm praying the test shows our little baby is developing correctly.
The more I think about it, the more I think I know why my fear of losing this one is so controlling. They said it was likely just a "fluke" that my baby had a trisomy 13 chromosone problem...that it was just one bad egg or whatever.. I guess I have a hard time believing something so horrible could happen to me by "accident" and on some deep level convinced myself ALL my eggs were "faulty" and that this wasn't a fluke but meant-to-be everytime. I guess my mind has trouble rationalizing a "fluke" or "random chance" but could understand having to have such a loss if all my eggs were damaged. Sounds crazy, huh?
Sorry for rambling... thanks for listening. Praying for good healthy-baby news tomorrow!!
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fergus55
5 posts
Jun 09, 2010
3:28 PM
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glad it all went well for you..you arent rambling its how you feel..i know when i was pregnant the second time after the first miscarriage its a worry..recently with my second loss i got over the 13 weeks mark thinking i would be safe only too loose the baby at 16 weeks so i went through the same feelings..everytime i went to have an ultrasound i was waiting to hear bad news..i'm actually not going to go to the same ultrasound place if i fall pregnant again i feel for the ladies there that have to bear bad news..i have found another place in mind clean start when the time comes..just take some deep breaths and enjoy if it is meant to be it will...i dont believe you probably need a therapist you will work through this its all only natural feelings..people dont know the pain of miscarriage and from an outsider you may look unstable...keep yopur chin up enjoy your pregnancy and we cant wait to hear more good progress love to you...Nat
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Andrea
200 posts
Jun 10, 2010
2:48 PM
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Sara,
Wonderful news honey! SO, so happy for you! I can understand all of the anxiety surrounding this pregnancy. Once you endure loss it is very difficult to find that place of contentment, as your innocence has been stripped away from you. It is normal to worry and be concerned for yourself and baby.
If I can offer any words of advice...take the recommendation for a therapist. This person will be invaluable to you as you journey on. You have many more weeks to go and a professional could provide valuable insight into this journey, calming you and helping to enjoy this process. Yes, you will have fears, but a therapist can help you work through them.
There are some things we can work through alone and others that need support. Also, my RE feels that therapy following loss helps a couple prepare for what is ahead and helps them heal from loss, being more readily able to accept the stress of a new pregnancy.
Okay, so that is my 2 cents worth...you will do what is right for you :) Myself, I've learned that I can't do all of this alone. Since I am in the throws of seeing an RE and facing fertility treatment I know that I need someone to lean on ;)
Be good to yourself and know that we send you well wishes and love. I'm just elated that you and baby are well, as that is fantastic!
HUGS
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sara28
44 posts
Jun 16, 2010
6:38 AM
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So, my extensive ultrasound was a huge "success"! The doctor explained everythiing they measured and looked for and why and said that 90% to 95% of the time, this type of ultrasound will catch another trisomy problem and my baby looked perfect. Great news. Wanna hear the crazy part? As soon as she said that, my head (like a knee-jerk reaction) went to "oh my, what should I worry about now...think, think, what other problem might I have...?" I was only elated for a few moments but then caught my head trying to replace the worry with a new one...like I had to have a worry to keep me from feeling too "comfortable" with this pregnancy. My oh my... I shared that with my husband and he is now really wanting me to see the therapist. I think I'll go once...just to see.
But thanks for the support, ladies....and Andrea, your 2 cents is always very much appreciated...I think you were one of the first I met on this page..you and Evelyn...right after my loss. :-(
Thanks Nat. We def. share the same ultrasound fear. I think getting a clean start with a new one is probably a good idea. My doctor was the one that did the sonogram and then ultrasound when I found out I lost my baby and for this pregnancy, she hasn't done it once... I think she intentionally gets the nurse to do it so it won't bring back as bad of memories....sort of like a clean slate...
And we found out we're having a boy!!! Finding that out was so surreal, but every now and then I find this huge pain in my heart for the baby I lost...thinking what if that was my little girl?.. (we chose not to find out after the loss what our baby was). Anyway, I'm excited about our little boy and pray for him often.
Thank you ladies for going through this with me!!! Prayers for each of you too!!!
~Sara
Last Edited on 16-Jun-2010 9:25 AM
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manda
30 posts
Jun 17, 2010
10:21 AM
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Sara, I am so happy everything is going well for you. I feel like we are living the same story right now. We went through something similar with a loss at 14 weeks. Now we're due on the same day and we're both having boys. I'm wishing you lots of good luck. In just five months we will both be holding our beautiful healthy babies. xo
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sara28
45 posts
Jun 18, 2010
8:32 AM
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Great to hear, Manda!! what a coincidence. I pray we both get the blessings we want so badly and deserve!... I don't know if I've felt movement or not... I sometimes feel this weird little "twitch" low in my tummy...and sometimes have this weird "buzzing" sensation..but no clue if that is my little boy. I can't wait til I start getting actual kicks that I know are him.
Have you had to deal with people telling you the "woes" of pregnancy?... I have people telling me "just wait til --this-- or --that-- happens, then you'll be miserable".. and so on. My thought is "seriously, do you have any clue the pain I've been through? every "miserable" moment is going to be cherished!!" Maybe I'm just hormonal or overly sensitive, but I hate people trying to "scare" me regarding what to expect. With the heartbreak I've felt, I will cherish every missery as if it is a gift...which it is.
Sorry to vent, I just wish women would stop complaining about the miracle (even if it is painful) that they are getting to experience.... I pray we are all blessed with more of this "missery" so many women complain about. Baby dust to all!!!
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Andrea
206 posts
Jun 21, 2010
1:13 PM
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Fabulous news Sara! SO happy for you :) Live in the moment and enjoy this blessing.
HUGS
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sara28
48 posts
Aug 08, 2010
1:30 PM
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Thanks for the prayers and support. I've made it to 27 weeks...and everyday fight back the tears of what might go wrong. I find myself thinking a lot about the baby we lost. ...and every little pain scares me. I have a lot of little pains, nothing ever serious, and have been told they are "normal" but they make it so hard to relax. At least once a day I have to fight back the tears...tears over my loss, tears over feeling like I could lose this one..tears for no reason at all. What an emotional wreck!
And my family doesn't understand...its like, the loss was painful for them, but they don't understand the depth of what I feel. My dad keeps talking about "in Gods hands" and I just feel like a bad christian for not trusting God...but I just keep thinking "God took it from me last time...what if he does it again?". I wish I had someone hear to talk to that didn't make me feel guilty for being scared... I do have strong faith in God, but don't want to be made feel like I am bad just cause I'm still scared!
My baby shower is less than a month away and I can't even bring myself to register. I even have very little in terms of maternity clothes...I'm just too scared to let myself really dive into this whole experience, afraid the rug will be ripped out from under my feet again. When people ask about the baby, I get so uncomfortable. I feel protective of him and don't want to talk about him..like if I talk too much I might jinx it all...I need to get a grip. What a mess I am!! I mean, I can't even register for crying out loud. I have no clue if I'll be able to do the birthing classes and hospital tour and all the exciting stuff I've dreamed about since I was a little girl. I pray I can relax...it doesn't help any that I've had to stop taking my anti-depresants with this pregnancy...what I recipe for disaster..hormones, plus my still painful loss from November, topped with depression..blah!
Anyway, I wanted to let you all know that i am still doing ok and pray I am one of those "happy ending" situations after having a second trimester loss...oh, I pray God keeps my baby safe. This will be my first child.
Manda - how are you doing????..I know we were "on the same track" in terms of our babies..
Thanks for your support and listening to me...I feel guilty talking about my pregnancy when so many other women are still trying, but I feel so broken that I really still need you all..I don't feel like I REALLY have anywhere else to go where my fears will be understood.
Love to all!!
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MAMAKATE
123 posts
Aug 08, 2010
8:32 PM
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sara, this site is for miscarriage and pregnancy after loss.... don't feel bad for shareing your emotions..... the path you are walking I have walked myself and this site is a wonderful outlet with many supportive ladies that understand that... hugs to you sweetie... I said this just a moment ago on another post and that was my biggest regret is and was not celebrateing my pregnancy with my daughter the way she deserved.. I kept waiting to wake up from the dream i was living...as hard as I know it is please try and enjoy this special time... not a day goes by that I dont think about my three little angels my heart will be forever broken.. and just like me your emotions are normal.... my e-mail is ktmunn@aol.com if you need to talk... lots of love to you :)
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papillon
180 posts
Aug 10, 2010
3:30 PM
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Hi Sara,I pray u r well,
I just wanted to say i understand totally how you feel about this pregnancy and all the fear coming with it!just like u,i ve made it passed my m/c of 20 weeks,and at 23 weeks i am still soooo anxious and scared something goes wrong...and just like u im scared to talk about my bb as if it will trigger something bad...
I dont even plan to go to ante natal classes,i am just counting the days and trying not to panic when i feel pain or when i dont feel my bb!!
I will pray for u my dear,until bb is in our arms we wont feel happy,i cant wait for the sleepless nights people talk about...lots of love sent ur way!!
Last Edited on 10-Aug-2010 3:31 PM
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sara28
50 posts
Aug 11, 2010
5:21 PM
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Oh, thank you both so much!! With so many people telling me to "just relax" without understanding where it is coming from, its so nice to hear that I'm not just being crazy. we share, or have shared, the same fears and I find comfort in that. Having you guys tell me to try and be calm is so very different from hearing it from people who have no idea what it is like and sometimes come off as being cold about it.
Another day down and my little boy is still moving so I'm celebrating another victory. One week from today is my next ultrasound and I pray it puts to rest the dozen of things I'm convinced could be wrong with him. Til then, one day at a time.
What would I have done if I hadn't found this site and you all? Thank you!..
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manda
32 posts
Aug 11, 2010
6:17 PM
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Hi Sara, thanks for asking about me. I'm doing well overall. My baby boy is growing and moving around a lot. I've had 4 very detailed ultrasounds so far and everything looks good. Physically I feel well besides the really hot humid days.
I'm excited, but wary. Sometimes I feel guilty about being excited. Everybody around me is excited about this baby. I have tons of maternity clothes and everything we could possibly need for this baby ...care of the grandparents.It's strange because it's almost like my other baby didn't ever exist. Nobody talks about that.
You know that at this point our babies would have a 85% chance of surviving if they were born now. I find myself counting the weeks in terms of viability.
I hope your ultrasound goes well. It's such a relief when you can see them wriggling around on the screen. I'm sure you'll feel better after that. After my last ultrasound I went and bought my baby a little present. I think it helped me feel better.
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